Wisdom Breeds Sexual Integrity

Advertising firms say it all the time: "Sex Sells". We're surrounded by it. There is no place, with the possible exception of a monastery, where you won't be in contact with an image of a scantily clad woman or some other inappropriate image to assault you. For many men, it's as difficult an addiction to break as smoking, drinking, or drugs. At the end of this article I'm going to step away from my normal routine and post some good links and resources for the men out there struggling with impure thoughts, pornography, or other sorts of sexual immorality.

Proverbs 2:16-17 tells us that the wisdom of God will save us from the adulteress, and Proverbs 2:18-19 warns us of the dangers of falling into the trap of adultery. Many men have this idea that they can look, but not touch. Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, however, that just looking at a woman lustfully is adultery. Exodus 20:14 says very simply and plainly, "You shall not commit adultery."

It's an easy thing to make excuses for: "it's natural". Man is born naturally to commit sin, we have been born into a sin nature. God has redeemed us from our sin through the death of Jesus Christ that we might have freedom from the nature of sin if we will commit our lives fully into His hands and allow Him to renew our minds. To continue to willfully commit sin after accepting the salvation freely given to us is to trample on the blood of Jesus Christ, placing that sin higher in importance than God. Romans 6:1-7 tells us we have died to sin in the death of Jesus Christ and have been raised up with Him a new creature through baptism.

It is only through the working of the Holy Spirit that our hearts can be changed and that we will have a new way of thinking. For some, it's a long, slow road to recovery, while others have an instantaneous change in their heart. Every man I have known who has struggled with pornography and sexual immorality has also struggled with guilt, shame, and fear over their tendencies, and almost every man I've known has had at least some issue with it, you aren't alone. However, God doesn't intend for us to live in fear of being caught, in shame of our actions, or with guilt over our pasts. God will forgive us and free us from the chains that bind us.

If you or a friend is struggling with sexual impurity, or if you aren't, but would like to learn more and understand why most men have such a difficult time with it, here is a list of resources:

1. Pure Eyes
   • This is a book by Craig Gross (founder: XXXChurch.com) and Steven Luff; Foreword by Stephen Afterburn (author: Every Man's Battle).
   • It's a great book, and has a massive amount of great information about why men are drawn to pornography, how it affects our relationship with God, how it affects our lives, and how with God's help we can take control over it.
2. Every Man's Battle
   • This a book by Stephen Afterburn and Fred Stoker.
   • I've known of several men who have read and absolutely loved this book. It's recommended by several Christian counselors as suggested reading for men struggling with sexual impurity.
3. For Men Only
   • This book is by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn, and they have a full series of wonderful books for women, men, teens, parents, etc.
   • This book goes into great detail in helping men understand why women are so upset about our male tendencies, but also contains a very good chapter on sexual impurity. I would recommend that every man read this at least once.
4. XXXChurch.com
   • This is a web site founded by Craig Gross.
   • The XXXChurch offers workshops, forums, local events, and other helpful things for men with impure sexual addictions. They take a very open and forward approach to discussing and dealing with the issues.
5. Your Pastor
   • Believe it or not, this guy can probably handle knowing that you have a problem with impure sexual behavior. Chances are high that he already has a pretty good idea anyway. He'll have the time to sit down and work out the issues with you and help you to be accountable and give you spiritual guidance and prayer. For more ideas of people you can and should talk to, see: Buddy System

Friendly Wisdom

Do you listen when God speaks to you? You may say, ...but God doesn't speak to me." God speaks to those who are willing to hear His voice. Last week we read in Proverbs 2:1-2 about listening to the voice of wisdom, seeking it as a treasure. Proverbs 2:10 carries on this message about seeking wisdom. It says you will find wisdom, and knowledge will be pleasant to you. This parallels Matthew 7:7 as well as Luke 11:9, where they both say "seek and you will find".

The next verse, Proverbs 2:11, gives the basic result of this wisdom and knowledge. With wisdom comes discretion; with knowledge comes understanding. Could a man without wisdom know when to be discreet, or a man without knowledge understand even the most simple of things?

Next, we are given two sets of examples of this discretion and understanding. We're only going to look at the first one this week, and come back to the second one next Friday. Proverbs 2:12-15 talks about wicked men that wisdom will save us from. Proverbs 2:16-19 tells us about wicked women that wisdom will save us from.

If we're claim to be saved from wicked men by the wisdom and knowledge that comes from seeking God, how can we defend having close friends fitting the description of wicked men in Proverbs 2:12-15? Likewise, if we're close friends with other men fitting that description, how likely are we to spend time earnestly praying and seeking God? We often say things like "don't judge me by the people I hang out with", but truly, the people we hang out with shows a lot about our own character.

Let us learn and strive to seek out other Godly men as our closest friends. We don't need wicked friends drawing us into things we wouldn't otherwise be involved in. The wisdom of God makes all the difference in discerning who are truly friends worthy of our friendship, and friends that are not.

Wise Counsel

Do you make all your decisions willy-nilly? Are you constantly finding out after the fact that you made the wrong choice? Well we've got what you need. Get yourself a brand-new, never used, Wise Counsel. Just the people you need to ask before making those big decisions! Now for the low price of....

This may sound like an infomercial, but it turns out this is a real problem for a lot of men. Too often they let pride get in the way and don't ask for help. The older I get the more I find that if a decision can affect me very much at all, then it's worth taking to God and a small group of people that I feel are wise. Proverbs 15:22 makes it clear that wise counsel is important to any plans. When you really think about it why would you make those decisions alone? You have the wisdom of God to help you.

The flip-side of this coin is that if you never USE your wise counsel it's pointless to ask them for advice. If you seek wise counsel every time something comes up and don't listen to the wise counsel, you've wasted their time. Proverbs 12:15 says "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice." So the next time you ask for advice, ensure the people you ask are truly wise, and then follow it.

The Buddy System: Healthy Listening

If someone comes up to you and suddenly begins telling you the story of how they've fallen into sin, what do you do? The first thing you need to do is examine what you can do. Luke 6:39 says that if the blind lead the blind, they'll both soon end up in the ditch. If you're struggling with the same thing that this person is confiding in you that they are struggling with, you very likely aren't qualified to help them. Mutually agree to pray for each other, and move on. An alcoholic should not hang out in bars or a drug addict with users. We are faced enough by our demons daily that we do not need the additional weight of another's confession to drag us further into the pit of our own despair. Rather, we should agree to pray for that person and then encourage them to seek another confidant who is able to guide and help them.

If we are qualified to guide this person seeking our confidence, we need to pay very close attention to the words of Romans 15:1-2, 7. Remember that Christ accepted us when we were not only addicted to the works of the flesh, but He accepted us before we even knew who He was. Romans 5:8 points out that Christ died for us while we were still sinners. Accept that this person is openly acknowledging their need to confess their shortcomings to someone and receive guidance and prayer as James 5:16 instructs us all to do.

Don't belittle or mock the ones that would come to you for guidance and prayer. Don't put them down or try to make them feel inferior for their faults. This attitude is prideful and boastful, and is not in the spirit of Christ. Proverbs 16:18 warns us of our own destruction when we take an attitude of pride. 1 John 4:7-21 is the most amazing example of how we should treat our fellow man and how we should judge him. 1 John 4:15 says that if a man confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwells in him. Knowing that God lives in the one who comes to us for guidance, how will we treat them?

Since God lives in us, and He lives in the one who has come to us for guidance, we know that God is already present in our conversation. He is watching us through the windows of our soul. How will we show His love? How will we keep His commandments? Matthew 18:18-20 says that if two bind anything on earth it will be bound by God, and if two release something on earth it is released by God.

Therefore, we ought to primarily pray together that the thing that troubles the one coming to us for guidance might be resolved. Whether that thing is an addiction needing bound, or a freedom needing loosed, if we agree on that thing, it will be done. We should search the Scriptures together in prayer, learning what God has to say about our troubles. We should give counsel in the spirit of 2 Timothy 2:15-16, 19, 23-26. Thank God that He guides us as is shown in Ephesians 6:18-20 to know what to say and when we need to say it.

The Buddy System: Healthy Sharing

Again beginning in James 5:16, we see that there is still much more to learn about this "confessing our sins one to another". The main thing to point out here in this post is that the Bible doesn't say "describe the circumstances that caused you to sin". There's no call or reason to define all of the circumstances surrounding a sin that you've committed, as it rarely does anyone any good at all to hear this, but more often causes someone else to stumble as well. 1 Corinthians 15:33 clearly defines this. We shouldn't be lifting up the thing that caused us to fall; we shouldn't exalt the very cause of our stumble. Rather, we should admit that we have fallen and exalt God for His forgiveness and ask for His healing.

This idea of healthy sharing is in the spirit of Ecclesiastes 4:8-12, in that, a person who is utterly alone has nobody to help him up but himself; if things get bad and he needs comfort or warmth, only he can provide that for himself. All the way from the very beginning of time, God has recognized in man the need of confiding in others. In the beginning of time, God walked with Adam in the Garden of Eden, but still thought that man needed the companionship of another human (Genesis 3:8, 2:18). In Genesis 2:18 God acknowledges that man needed someone to be with him, and so God made a woman for him. One of the best people to be able to confide in is your wife. If you cannot be honest with your wife, how can you be honest with God or even another man?

Certainly, another man may be able to better understand the things we're facing, our emotions, reactions, or behaviors. A man who has gone through what we're going through, or a man who has stared down our particular demon and came out victorious through the grace of God will better be able to guide us. We still need to be open and honest with those around us as well. Hiding something and lying about it are two of the primary things that keep us trapped in our sin, returning to it over and over again. Admitting our faults, coming clean with ourselves and another is the first step toward a new spiritual freedom.

The Buddy System: Be a Buddy

When we look at James 5:16, we have to look at the inverse implication of the verse as well. Obviously, in a church of even 100 people, the pastor will not be able to be everyone's "buddy". I haven't a doubt in my mind that this concept has occurred to him, and he will try to the bitter end to do so, but it isn't physically or emotionally possible. With just 100 people, a single person would have an average of 3 people call him every day with their problems. That's not including time to prepare sermons, visit the sick, and all the other things that the pastor does that you don't even realize he does.

So, it's also our responsibility to be that friend for someone else. We all NEED someone to talk to, to share our shortcomings and failures with. We need another man who understands and can help us, guide us, and pray with us. But once we reach a point where we're strong enough we need to be willing to BE that person for someone else. It isn't always easy or fun. Sometimes it quite plainly just stinks. But whether we like it or not, other people will at some point as we grow be looking at us as that person that they look up to as a man strong in the Lord.

When that someone reaches out to you for that guidance and that prayer, when someone reaches out to you and shares that failure, don't laugh at them, don't poke fun, and don't gossip. Accept them, accept their problem, and let them know that you care and understand what they're going through. Offer to pray with them. Proverbs 18:24 tells us that a man that has friends must also be friendly. If we expect someone else to guide us and pray with us, we should be equally as willing to do that for another man. Don't let them share to the point of dragging you down, and don't ask them to. You don't need to know the every detail of their failure.

If you don't know how to help someone who comes to you, there are lots of things that you can do. First and foremost, the single most important thing you can do is pray with them and for them. After that, if they want or need advice that you can't offer, refer them to someone you trust who you believe can, maybe even your buddy. If you refer them to your buddy, it's often helpful to explain to them that the person you're referring them to is the person that YOU go to when you have problems. Maybe you can introduce them to your buddy and have a group lunch or something. Don't turn them away though, whatever else you do. Make sure to show them the love and respect you would want if you were in their same situation.

The Buddy System: Find a Buddy

One of the biggest problems that I see in men these days is a complete lack of people they can talk to. I'm not talking about the poker buddies, or the guys you get together with to watch the game; I'm talking about someone you can sit down with and tell them honestly what's going on in your life. James 5:16 tells us that we need to be able to call on others when you're in trouble or when you've done wrong and that we'll be forgiven. Every man I know who is having serious issues in his life and has no hope at all of fixing them has plenty of friends and co-workers, and not a single person in whom they confide. Often, the men are so out of touch with everyone that even their own family and wife are excluded from any meaningful and truthful communication.

Now, I'm not saying you need to find some guy in your church and tell him how bad your life is, and that's not what the passage is saying either. We as men need someone that we can rely on though as an example, someone who has already experienced a lot of the things we're going through, and someone who can guide us in our walk with God in times of weakness. I have a friend that I've known for about 17 years, and now that we're both saved and going to church, he is my "buddy" in this respect. When I'm having a problem or dealing with a weakness in my life, I can call him up and talk to him about it.

When I call him up, the point isn't to describe in detail the problem, as that just drags your buddy down, and pretty soon both of you are stuck in the mud. All that needs said is "Hey, I've got this problem" and just let the buddy know what the problem is. Then ask them to pray with you about it, and keep you in their prayers. When I'm dealing with an addictive problem or something that requires a little more vigilance, I can have my buddy check up on me. I don't want him to put me down, just make sure I'm sticking with whatever it is, and help pick me up if I've started to fall.

As a New Year's resolution, I would encourage each of you to find a buddy. Find someone in your church or a friend that you have enough confidence in to share your shortcomings with. If you can't find anyone, you probably aren't looking very hard; man up and go talk to somebody. If you can't find anyone else, your pastors or Sunday School teachers would likely be happy to help you out. Church deacons and board members are good choices, too. Pick someone you view as strong in the Lord, and just talk to them. This is very important in being a man of integrity. Don't fail!